my mind, it's stronger then my heart.

cerealkiller72

You know, it doesn't even matter whether you publish this on your blog or not. I just need someone out there to know my story, even though that someone has no clue who I am.

My relationships with the opposite sex has never been great. I was sexually abused by my mother's boyfriend and my grandfather over a course of several years. My first serious boyfriend was a complete jerk, who constantly told me that I was nothing but a whore. Needless to say, what self esteem I did have was completely battered.

But then I met this boy and I loved him so much. He was so perfect for me and in his arms, I felt safe. I felt beautiful, and that was the first time I had ever felt that way in my whole entire life. For the entire three years of our relationship, we saw each other nearly every second day and spoke on the phone for hours every night. It felt like we had the rest of our lives to be together.

But ultimately, my crushed self esteem would always attack me when I least suspected and this lead to insensitive and selfish behaviour, lots of accusations such as "you think that I'm not good enough for you". But he was always so patient and took it all, stood by me, and reassured me that I was beautiful.

I am so frustrated with myself, with my behaviour and my attitude. So I ended the relationship with him today.

I want that boy to know that I loved him so much that it hurts. That I want him to experience a relationship with a girl who isn't so self destructive. I want him to be happy. But most of all, I want him back.

The problem is that I can't just do that. My mind, it's stronger then my heart.

-anonymous

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you don't need...

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i have loved you since kindergarten...

Our Anniversary. March 29th

I'm obsessed with you, I think about you constantly.
I have loved you since kindergarten and often I can't believe you're really mine.
Sometimes I forgot how amazingly hot you are until you walk through the front door, I've never been so attracted to anyone in my life.
I love the rereading the box full of letters you wrote me while we lived apart.
I love the way you make me feel amazing about myself.
You have such a cute butt.
I love that you make me laugh every day, and often so hard I cry.
I loved when you were so excited to find out we were having a baby, when I was totally freaked out.
I love when we fall asleep holding hands.
I adore how romantic you are.
I love the way we share almost every meal.
You are my favorite person.
I loved that summer after high school before we moved to different places, spending every waking minute together.
I even love that we can argue and fight, and then how we can make up...usually very quickly.
I love how you wouldn't complain when I slept from 6pm to 8am when I was pregnant.
I loved going to Senior Prom with you.
I loved that you followed me to NYC.
I love how you were able to calm E down the first night after he was born in the hospital, when I couldn't.
I love it when we snuggle every morning.
I loved it when I came home to you reading out loud to E, when he was only 3 days old.
I love how excited you are to get me to bed...
I love how I can hear you smile in the dark.


You are the only one I ever wanted to be with.
You are my perfect other half, you make me the happiest I've ever been.
I want to take care of each other forever.

Love is too weak a word for what I feel -- I lurve you, you know, I loave you, I loff you, two F's
I loff you C,
Happy Anniversary

LO
VE,
H
____________________________________

best to you both!!

xo

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why don't they let us fall in love?

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when your always the one that's alone

plastic_sfoonss

I just wanted to share, because its hard sometimes talking to those around you, talking to the people who are care for you and think you are lovely. When they ask you whether you have a boyfriend, or lament at how a young and pretty girl like you could possibly be single, its hard. Hard to bring together what you know about yourself - that you're worth it, that your good the way you are - and the fear that maybe you are doing something wrong.

They tell you that you just haven't met him yet. And yet when they learn you are 21 and have never had a boyfriend, never felt those feelings that people write novels about for someone - they are surprised, and can't believe that you would never have found someone. How you could possibly be all alone.

It's not that you haven't met people. You've met boys. And at first when the boys liked you, you played along. But then you found yourself in the park kissing this boy you don't like and looking for reasons to get away. Or in a bed freaking out because while you liked kissing and his ripped abs, you don't even know they boy in front of you. Because it was the kissing you liked, not the boy. And so you learn... And you watch as time changes, for then its the boys who were friends who told someone they liked you, and you watch as your friendship falls apart as you put up walls around you. You're just so scared.

And you know that you are supposed to be OPEN to love. But what you don't understand is how you're CLOSED. You want to fall in love, its the only thing in the world you can think of that you want more than anything. You try to not make the same mistakes as before, and yet you end up in the same place again. So you try and get by with what you can - sustaining myself on living vicariously through other love stories, and imagining magical moments in love. But before long you find yourself in a vicious circle of expectation and then disappointment.

I try to be open to love, but I feel like a fraud when I dont feel the way I'm supposed to. So I keep a distance and don't give them the wrong idea about how I feel, so I don't end up in a relationship or in a place with someone I don't even like.

But what if I'm wrong about the way I feel.
All I know is I'm alone, and a mess.

And that's why its hard sometimes to talk to people you know. And why its hard sometimes when your always the one that's alone.

right now.

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patiently waited

cristina_aboutdesouffle

I still remember that night as if it were last night.

The first night you saw me undress while I changed into my pyjamas. The first night I slipped under the covers with you. The first night we were spending the night together. The room was so dark, it was almost pitch black - save the sliver of moonlight that danced through the sheer curtains.

We were in New York City - the city that never sleeps. And boy, was I not sleeping.

You didn't know it at that time, but I was so nervous. You weren't the first boy I've shared a bed with but for some reason, I felt like my heart was about to leap out of my chest. In one smooth motion, you took me into your arms. You gazed down at me as I anxiously looked up at you.

I'm not ready yet...don't make me push you away.

You put your hand on my heart. I caught my breathe and held it for what seemed like an eternity. And then you leaned down and kissed me softly and just held me for the whole night.

I wasn't even sure if I loved you yet. But at that moment, I knew you were different. You weren't like the other guys. You didn't rush me or make me feel bad for pushing you away. You were patient.

Patiently waited for me until I was ready. Ready in every way to have you in my life.

you were my something

natalizzie:flickr + tumblr

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