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wishful

sensing-owls

I was dating a boy in law school, just graduated college, was hired onto my first "real" job and looking for a place to live. I decided to go on Craigslist and search for a guy roommate. I had made an appointment to meet with a guy and told my boyfriend to call the cops if he did not hear from me within the hour. Probably not the smartest thing to look at a strangers apartment in the evening. I showed up to this cruddy looking apartment complex, knocked on the door and this dropped dead tall man opened it. It was love at first sight or I like to call it Lust at first sight. We started talking and instantly felt a connection; he asked me how soon I could move in, I told him that week.

I called my best friend after leaving the apartment to let her know I found him! the one I had been waiting 10+ years for. I knew that I needed to break up with my current boyfriend and in reality there was no way I was moving in with this gorgeous man, but i definitely wanted to date him. I called him 2 days later and confessed; I can't move in with you, take me out to dinner. he laughed and said "shouldn't I be the one asking you on a date" from the moment forward we dated. I pictured us moving in together, getting married having kids etc. I loved him with all my heart and soul, I woke up early in the morning made him breakfast, cleaned his room, went on all the trips he wanted to go on. He pushed me to be more adventurous; camping, white water rafting, biking..... Did everything that I thought would make him happy. I lost contact with 90% of my friends, but it was ok because his friends became my friends.

A year and half into the relationship I received a job offer with my dream company. It was a surf company that would allow me to travel and grow in my career. I took it! I begin to travel and notice myself becoming independent again the way I was before my world revolved around him. At one point we did not see each other for 3 weeks, the week we finally were back in each other’s arms I felt something different. So confused, my body felt drained. I realized for the 2 years we were together it was all about him, what made him happy, what he wanted to do, what was convenient to him. I broke up with him. He was so shocked and angry, but I told him I was exhausted. As much as I loved him, I needed the same love back. He drained me. It’s been a year since the break up and I there have been many times I begged him to get back with me. I have to constantly remind myself that the choice I made was for the best. My heart still feels like a part of it is missing. I still don’t know what this means, I don’t know if I will ever find someone that I loved as much as him. I am hopeful that the day I marry “the one” there will be no question in my mind how much he loves me, as much love I give to him I will receive back……and my heart will be complete again. **wishful

xoxo

J

but i'm afraid

unknown

i don't feel guilty

ffffound

When I was seventeen I saw you at a friend's birthday party. It was black and red themed for some reason, and you showed up in black skinny jeans and a red shirt with a red indian feather in your hair. You were twenty two. I saw you from a distance and thought you were the cutest thing I'd seen. I asked your friends if you were into guys, and to my delight I found out you were. I was sloppy drunk and really wanted to talk to you, I spoke to you in broken spanish sounding foolish, but there was still some sort of connection. My friend was drunk and throwing up so I had to take her home..... but I mustered up the cojones to ask for your number before we left. we talked via internet chat and went out. I will never forget that first date. It was the best first date ever. You were my night in shining armor. Right as I got downtown to meet you at the movies when I told my father I was going out to study with my best friend, my car bellows smoke overheating and you wait with me to see my car towed and take me home, we shared ourselves. and you thought I'd blow you off after that because I'm pretty and young.

We shared an intimate romantic secretive winter together which I'll never forget....going out to 'study' all the time. I fell in love with you. Even though from the first day we met I knew you were going to leave me. You were moving to Europe for grad school. I was still in highschool, you speak four languages, dress well, carry yourself right, and are exactly what I want and treat me so well, like nobody I've ever been with before. You love me for who I am. Not just because I'm physically attractive, and you appreciate me.

You left me in January and moved to Italy, I was completely fucked up after that. More than you'll ever know. I drank more than ever. I smoked more than ever. I was practically catatonic. and then I start to get over you, and then I hear you have a new Italian boyfriend. I'm crushed. Time goes on, still not over you. I meet another guy, he lives in portland. We had a long distance relationship and he cheated on me and hurt me worse than you ever were capable of. And it only made me love you more because you would never have dragged me across the country to fuck me up.

You come in and out of my life for christmas and spring vacations because your family still lives here. I know you have a new relationship so I try to respect that. You've moved on. I haven't. and It's the hardest thing to be next to you and not be with you. Not to hold your hand or kiss you at a stop light, but I can't help but wanting to spend all of my time with you....you're leaving in a few days. And I'm glad we finally were intimate with each other again. The sexual tension could be cut with a knife....then again we've never been able to get past the first 20 minutes of watching a movie together. But you feel bad because you still have that Italian boyfriend...But I really don't. You have no idea how much I care about you. And it may sound immature, but..........I saw you first, and I don't feel guilty at all.

just because...

unknown

risk

thedisneyprincess

“Cinderella walked on broken glass, Sleeping beauty let her whole life pass by, Belle fell in love with a beast, Pocahontas risked her life for a feast, Jasmine could have had anyone but she chose a poor man, and Ariel, she walked on land.”

So many people dislike fairytales because it makes us believe in love, believe that a prince will swoop down and save us when something goes wrong. But I’ve come to realise that in every fairytale-like movie, every girl took a risk. Took a risk for love, took a risk in the name of love.

So, how do we know if our own fairytale won’t really happen if we don’t try, if we stop believing in love?

I know it’s hard for some of you to put down their guard and to learn to trust someone else sometimes. I know because I’ve been through it. People like us, we distance ourselves from people we genuinely like just because we are afraid to get hurt. But does building up these walls ultimately saves us from hurting?

It doesn’t.

We’ve got to know that these people, the people we are blocking out because of our own insecurities, will leave someday too. Leave for something better. Everyone will cause you pain and hurt and tears, but you have to decide who’s worth it. And when you make that decision, happiness will come to you. =)

Luv,
Aizhen

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open ended boy

kelsey reckling

I sometimes feel like I'm such a walking cliché. Being a commitment phobic doesn't make me seem edgy, more different or more complex. It's a fact, one I have had doubts about, but has just been called out on by my best friend tonight. He told me that he's getting concerned about how I seem to be falling into an easy habit of making out with everything that moves when I'm a bit drunk. As a girl who has just finished her first year of university, that's probably normal, but after he said that, I have realised it has become a lifestyle, one that is kind of hard to break.

I believe in amazing love songs, cry at the sappiest ending in films, write about relationships as a creative outlet...I want to be a writer when I'm older. These signs point to 'romantic', so why then, do I not let myself believe and fall all the way in?

I have fallen before, let my guard down, with a slightly emotionally unavailable guy I met in the dorms, I have fallen before, for someone who was bad for me, and I have tried to fall for someone who was nice, who was constant, but I ended up running anyway. I have recently fallen again, for a guy who lives halfway across the world, one who I may not see again for a few years. Half of his family lives in the same city as me, and the other half lives across the ocean.

We've known each other since we were thirteen, and we keep re connecting different parts of 'us' (if I can even call it that), whenever we can. Email, facebook, face to face. As time goes on and we try less and less, it becomes a shock to finally meet again, and to learn how much we have both changed, both physically and emotionally, and how comforting it is to realise that we're the same kids we've always been.

So from then we begin a two day commitment. Dinner, drinks, lunch, movie, phone calls, texts and skype sessions. We kissed for the first time, and he kisses just like I hoped and wanted him to, and somewhere along the line, the commitment phobic began to give pieces of herself she never really did.

At the movies, we just kissed, and held hands, and when I put my head on his strong shoulders, I felt safe, I felt stable. I felt like the feeling didn't send me running in the opposite direction. I have let my guards down before, but this time, it felt promising, instead of unstable. I don't really want to know what that could mean. How could a commitment phobic fall so fast in two days?

The night he left for the airport, we skyped for three hours and I ended up sleeping in the whole day afterwards, but I didn't care. I told him about my fear of vulnerability, of sensitivity, and he took it. He said it was normal, and during the conversation I kept telling myself to pull away, to not get too attached because I don't know when he'll be back again. He said it could be a few years; stupid colleges and sports.

I don't like commitment, I get scared of giving someone parts of me that they could break. I don't like admitting to feelings, even though I have a lot of them. So while I'm smiling at the fact that this could be left open ended, I am telling myself that there's no way we'll maintain this skype-facebook flirtation for long. I am an optimist for life but a terrible cynic for love.

I know that he'll be at the back of my mind for a while, so while I do my 'single girl' thing, maybe there'll be a fraction of me that would feel like I'm cheating on someone who is halfway across the world.

I might just allow myself to fall someday, if not with him, then someone else. But him, my 'open ended boy', has taught me, in the span of two days, that maybe falling (if not cautiously) may not be such a terrible thing to endure.

for just me

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love between my family

clarence chin

The last couple of weeks I'm start to realize some things I need to get of my chest. This is my story of the love between my mother and my father, the love between my mother and my stepfather, and the love between my family, or the lack of it.

As long as I can remember, my mother and father were never a happy couple. They weren't meant to be with each other. I never saw anything resembled to love between them. My father had some messed up issues, he made my mother go through a lot of shit. I was to young to notice, to young to understand. My mother was strong and at some day she decided to choose for a happy life with me and my brother, without my father. She needed to leave him in order to protect us. She choose for herself.

The three of us were a team. We'll get through this, like we always do. We still visited my father twice a week. We loved spending time with him. Especially me. I never understood his problems the way my brother and my mother did. Me and my brother were everything to my father, he'd do anything for his. The love he had for us was meant to last forever.

I've always respected my mother for her decision of leaving him and putting herself first. She did. She got a new boyfriend. Someone who loved her unconditionally and would do anything for her, this was just what she needed. After 8 years now, they're still so much in love I can't even describe it. They're a team. My mother and my stepfather are always sticking up for each other and can't spent one day without each other. Also, he was good for me and my brother, he's always been nice. I'm happy for my mother that she found love after so much shit that my father put her through. She found love and still after 8 years, she couldn't be happier.

As my mother and my stepfather were becoming closer and closer, I became to notice that in this process, she distanced herself from me and my brother. She puts herself and her new husband first, she choose him above us. I know this because the last couple of years the relationship I'm having with my mother is becoming to bother me a lot. We are not as close as we used to be. We don't share intense emotional stories, we don't share feelings. It never goes further than: 'What's for dinner?, How did your maths test go? Are you going out tonight? What ever happened to that guy you brought home a couple of times?' I know she loves us, she cares for us. But after everything she got through in her life, she decided to choose for herself. She found a new love, she is happy.

My mother is sweet and I'm happy for her. But it's hard when I don't receive the love I wish I received from my mother. There are days when I'm depressed, I cry myself to sleep. And she doesn't notice this. She has no clue what's going on in my life. And it's not that I'm not putting myself out there. I try to share. I try to communicate with her. But when I'm telling her something, I just know that she's not focused, she's not listening. She just keeps watching the time and wishing my stepfather was coming home. Again, I'm happy that she found love again but I wish that she'd put some more love and attention in me and my brother.

My father on the other hand, was focused, he was listening. We connected and he understood me. He always got me. Whenever something was bothering me, he noticed immediately. It was nice having someone around who knows the actual me and gave me the feeling he would literally go through fire for me. But as I already mentioned, he had issues. He was a drug addict. 3 years ago he couldn't deal with this any longer and he put an end to his life. I miss him so much and I feel powerless not having him around anymore. It was a big loss, but at the back of the mind everyone was thinking: it's probably for the best, for him to maybe find peace in heaven, and for us to not being bothered with his issues anymore. My brother accepted it, my mother accepted it and everyone moved on, except me.

My brother is not dealing with this stuff the way I am since he is just like my mother. He's a rational and a little more cold person and everything's fine. I'm longing for more attention and love but since my father's death I'm not receiving this. There's no one out there anymore who knows and gets me the way my father did. He was able to dig deep with me, my mother isn't anymore as I'm feeling the way she's not caring for me the way she used to.

So I stop seeking for my mothers love and attention, I've giving up on her and I can't wait to leave this house. I would never show this, I smile, I don't want to give her anymore drama in her life. She is happy and she should stay this way. So I'm hoping to find the great love she's having right now and maybe there is someone out there who's able to dig deep with me and understands me the way my father could. I've dated guys but I never found someone who stuck with my long enough to get to know me. I hate this feeling. I hope, I dream about the day I'll find a man who does.

xx
SB9

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please

unknown

I hate what you’re doing to me.

I’ve become one of those girls I used to cringe at. I use to think it was a joke, girls and guys going out at my age. We’re only 16 and the chances are, we’re not going to marry out of high school, have a couple of kids and grow old together. That just rarely happens. So I never liked anyone. It was pointless, enjoy the single life while you’re young and when you grow up a bit, that’s when you think about relationships. But like I said, I’ve become one of those girls. It scares me. I’ve known you since I was five. I’m comfortable with you, and it’s been 3 months of liking you. A feeling of insanity that I am consciously aware of but can’t do anything about. I don’t know if it’s love. I guess it’s not. But it’s close to it. A girl stands in front of a mirror for half an hour each morning before school preparing herself to look good in hopes that she might see the boy she liked that day even though the chances were 1 in 10, it must be close to love, or obsession at least.

And I hate it. Because I’m not the only one that’s changed. You have too. You’re becoming a part of that group that I hate. Who only meet together because the idea of being friends with each other is appealing, not because you’re genuinely friends, it’s not what we had. You’re beginning to think too highly of yourself. You act too arrogant for me now, like it wouldn’t mean anything to you if I were to go away. And it kills me. I can feel the separation and as much as i hate you for what you’re becoming, i still like you. Every time i see you I fall right back to where I was when I saw you at the party and realized i liked you.

I can’t be wearing myself out for you. And each day I believe i’m becoming more like myself again. With each day that i think about you less, I know I’m leading towards what is better for me. But there are no days yet that I go without thinking about you. And the part of me that thinks about you doesn’t want to stop. And it’s tearing me apart. I literally feel this ache inside me when I think about you, how is that possible?

And then I remind myself that you’re becoming a completely different person. And maybe, once you fully develop into him, I won’t like you anymore, because he’s not the real you. But then there’s the fucking ache of thinking that i’ll lose you, as a friend. So what am I to do? All I can come to right now is to sit and watch this play out, and hope to God that you don’t disappear into someone else.

Please don’t disappear. Please give me a reason to stop liking you.

Please, stop what you’re doing to me.

used

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6 months ago I didn’t know you.

I had a boyfriend who loved me and I was happy, even though things were rocky and I wasn’t sure if he was going to leave me. He kept hinting that he was scared we wouldn’t make it through college and I knew. I knew it was coming but everything in my world was so messed up that I needed to get away, so I took a long shot and went on that trip to New Jersey almost on a whim.

5 months ago I got confused.

I’d never been attracted to someone else in the way I was attracted to you while I was in a relationship. It was always a passing hot body, something to stare at and let pass. You were different. I wanted to know everything about you, I wanted to hold your hand and have it mean more than it meant when I did. I couldn’t deal with the guilt, I felt like the worst girlfriend in the world. My boyfriend was my one and only, I had loved him for five years. But we’d talked about it, you and I and you and him. And as you said, we were good people and we weren’t going to do anything except be friends.

4 months ago it got complicated.

I couldn’t not like you. It would fade, and then I would still miss you and I would text you all the time and call you on the phone as much as I could. And then I would see you again and it would all come seeping back in the hugs and the cuddlepuddles and the holding hands like we always do.

3 months ago I hit bottom.

He broke up with me, and you were the only one I wanted to talk to. And you stayed on the phone listening to me sob hysterically, dealing with the insanity of losing him, for hours. For as long as I needed. And I only found out so much later that you had wanted to tell me that night that you felt the same way that I did, the same way that you thought I didn’t. You thought I didn’t like you anymore because I had told you I had no feelings left for you. Because I lied to you. But you held back because of how horrible it would be to do to me that night when you had left here after your visit and he had left me.

2 months ago it started.

I went to see you on spring break and I had to ask you. I sat on the swing with you and I wanted to kiss you. I wanted to know what your cheek felt like. If it felt as warm as it looked in the sunlight, just like your golden hair and your warm brown eyes. And I had a question to ask you. And we lay on the grass and stared up at the sky and you told me. And I wasn’t panicked. I just had a lot of thinking to do. And I did as I sat in that dorm room away from you for that hour or so. And then we talked again. And then you kissed me. And then I asked you to be mine, without even thinking about the consequences or how it would work. We were too happy.

1 month ago it changed.

Somehow we went from our place of I-like-being-with-you-and-I-like-that-you-like-me-and-I-like-that-you-like-that-I-like-you, to I-want-you-I-need-you-I-love-you.

Now it’s all so different.

You’re my only. You’re my one. We’ve been perfectly in sync our whole relationship and even though it’s only been two and a half months it’s real. It’s real in that true love, give you anything, know we’re going to make it way. And every time you whisper, “mine,” in my ear and I respond with a whispered, “yours,” to you, I know. You are mine. All of you is mine. And I am yours, all of me, for every moment of forever. I gave you everything of me and you gave me everything of yours. For forever and ever.

love/hate/can't give up

violaidi + tumblr

i'm ready

unknown

It’s only been a day since I met you but I miss you already and I still cant stop thinking about our first date. It was awkward and clumsy and we didn’t have much to say. But I felt something. For a long time there hasn’t been a lurch in my stomach - and now its there again.

I stared into your eyes and I literally got lost in your gaze while we were talking. For a while there it seemed like all you did was to move your mouth without breathing a word. Nothing you said was going into my head because i was so enamored with how cute you are. Your face. Your face.

I don’t know where this is going. I haven’t the slightest clue about the real you but I like you with such vibrato with such intensity that its scaring me. Maybe all the unused feelings I had for the past year of being alone has been poured into you simply because there isn’t any other outlet. But that’s just me being logical. Being logical about feelings that are so illogical I laugh at myself because I find the entire concept of falling head over heels utter nonsense. It’s ridiculous.

Maybe its just lust but I think about your touch all the time. I think about holding you to sleep - about licking your tongue and tasting your lips.

You keep smiling. You smile and for the duration prior, during and after its like the world's a better place just because your lips curved. I don’t know why but somehow you're the answer to stagnation in my life right now. Nothing is going on. I’m just going through the motions and in a way you've given me reason to look forward to tomorrow again.

It scares me that I like you so much even though I barely know you. I desperately want to be a larger part of your life and I’d rather die than have nothing to talk about when we meet. Please be my shot at happiness. I’m ready this time.

-eli

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