waspadalah waspadalah: 2011

Friday, March 25, 2011

bar refaeli hot wallpaper

Thursday, March 24, 2011

weheartit

You make my head feel like a busy, New York City street the second your name lights up on my cell phone.

It doesn't happen often, and it hadn't happened for a year and a half until recently, but when it does i don't know how to feel.

You were my first love, and first loves are hard to forget. I truly believe that the first person you fall in love with will always have a piece of your heart. It's never whole again- no matter how much you move on, how many more people you fall in love with, or how much you give to the next person- there's something special about the first time you give your heart away. Or maybe it's because your first love usually ends up in your first real heartbreak and you never quite get all of the pieces back.

I don't know what kept me with you for all of those years. I was young, naive, and immature i guess. But i loved you. Oh man, did I love you. I think i would have fought to be with you until i couldn't go on. I would have been content being with you and only you forever and ever. But you didn't feel the same. And to fight any longer would be foolish. You gave up on me not once, but twice, and it broke me down more and more. You treated me terrible in those last few months, as if I were a stranger you never even cared about. You left me a ghost. You left me broken. You left me.

It took so long for me to get back on my own two feet and finally feel anything again. And as everyone would tell me, time did heal. But no one ever really listens to that phrase...time heals. But healing doesn't make it go away, it just makes it bearable. It's like a scar. There's the initial wound and it hurts like hell, almost to the point where you think you'd rather just be dead at this point, and then slowly but surely your cut closes up and then there is the scab. You pick at it a few times and it hurts all over again. And eventually you have a scar, and it fades and fades, but it's never gone. There's always something to remind you.

And then i met him, and he swept me off my feet. He showed me what it was like to truly be loved and he gave me everything you never even thought to give. Everything that hurt finally went away with a flash of his smile and with the touch of his hand I felt like I had found my real forever. A month into the relationship I could see myself with him fifty years down the road. I had never loved someone this way before, not even you. Months in though, little fights started poisoning our relationship but we worked at them. I still love him with my whole heart and i still fall asleep next to him but every now and then you slip into my dreams, out of nowhere, just like in real life and in my dreams I miss you.

I never thought, in a million years, you'd come back to me again. I'm over you, I am, I worked way too hard at it not to be. But when I get a text alert at 2:30 in the morning, and i see your name on the caller ID, my head and heart start a war. I don't think it's love, i think it's missing who you were. I have this idea of you at sixteen in my head but six years later that isn't who you are.

But for some reason tonight, it hit me hard. You know me way too well not to know how to win my heart, even for five seconds. I hate you for making me feel like this. I hate you for what you did to me way back when. I hate you for making me second guess the perfection I have now. I hate you for never really disappearing from my life. I hate you for having the nerve to ever even think I'd take you back. I hate you for your late night texts. I hate you for who you've become. I hate you for it all.

You texted me tonight and said: "I just have a weird feeling that our story isn't over. But clearly I'm the only one thinking that."

And I'd never admit it, to you or myself out loud, but...I've never stopped thinking that exact same thing.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

je t'aime

weheartit + unknown

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

i feel like a fool

unknown

I was freaking out the whole time that I walked from my gate to the end of the street. I tried to keep my pace steady with my friend, Sam. Nervousness and anticipation overwhelmed me as the blue car came into view. It was parked to one side of the street. With each step that I took towards it my heart started beating faster and faster. I tired to fix my eyes on something other than the car itself but my preoccupied mind would not let me do so.

I glanced at Sam and judging from her face it seemed that she was as nervous and anxious as I was.

"Oh My God, Oh My God", she cried.
"I know! Oh My God, I can't do this" I said laughing nervously.

Finally we reached the car. A mixture of dread and excitement formed inside of me. Sam shoved me in front of herself. My knees felt weak as I grabbed the handle. Before I could change my mind I pulled the door open and got inside the backseat of the car.

To my surprise, I was face to face with him. My heart stopped beating. This was NOT happening. I was not going to sit next to him all the way to his concert. I could not do this.

I gave him a sheepish smile and greeted him with a muffled "hi." Sam got in the car beside me shutting the door behind her.

He just had to open his mouth, didn't he? Gosh, his voice. I turned my head towards him as he introduced us to his two friends sitting in the front. The instant I met his gaze I turned away blushing.

I tried to calm down. To keep my hands from shaking I buried them in my lap. My heart started beating more rhythmically.

For the next ten minutes neither of us spoke a word except for his two friends who were constantly bickering about something I could care less of.

I guess at this point I should have started some sort of conversation. But then he spoke. A smile spread across his face.

Oh God I thought. Waves of emotions passed through me. My heart skipped a beat. Butterflies swarmed through my stomach as I turned to see his face which was five inches away from me. Oh crap I thought. My heart was pounding so loudly as I struggled for the right words to say. But before my face could give away anything I tore my eyes away from him. I let my hair fall forward to hide my cheeks which burned from blushing.

I couldn't comprehend what was happening. I tired to occupy my mind with other thoughts by talking to Sam. I knew she knew how I felt but being the reserved person I was, I still hadn't admitted it to her.

That was two and a half years ago. The first guy and the first time I ever fell in love with someone. Today, I feel like I fool. For giving someone so much of importance. For trusting someone more than anyone else. For believing every word he ever said to me. For falling in love with him.

-B

Monday, March 21, 2011

amount i thought i'd miss you...

9gag

someone like you

I heard that you're settled down,
That you found a girl and you're married now,
I heard that your dreams came true,
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you,
Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light,

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it,
I had hoped you'd see my face,
And that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over,

Never mind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you, too,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"
Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead, yeah,

You know how the time flies,
Only yesterday was the time of our lives,
We were born and raised in a summer haze,
Bound by the surprise of our glory days,

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it,
I had hoped you'd see my face,
And that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over,

Never mind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you, too,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"

Nothing compares,
No worries or cares,
Regrets and mistakes, they're memories made,
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you, too,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"
Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead.

-Adele

Saturday, March 19, 2011

she's broken / he's ok

unknown

Friday, March 18, 2011

samuel eto wallpapers

lost love

pink

This could very easily be a yet another story of a breakup. It wasn't the first time my heart was broken and most certainly not the last. I spent the first couple of weeks so angry and hurt. Mostly at myself. For not telling Eric how I felt. Never telling him that I loved him with my whole heart. Also pissed at myself for loving him so much when it was clear he didn't feel the same. After those couple of weeks I fooled myself into thinking I looked forward to dating new people. Looked forward to butterflies & newness. Almost a month had gone by, I was doing fine, and then it happened. Or rather, it didn't happen. My period didn't come. Shit.

I don't know what I expected. I didn't want Eric back. Actually I did. But not because I was pregnant. So I would do it alone. In the few moments before I dropped the news on him, during polite conversation, I wished I could suspend time. If we weren't together, at least we could be friends. But then reality crashed in. I was prepared for anger, yes. But I wasn't prepared for the realization that the man I was in love with was a selfish jerk. That I'd been strung along much longer than I previously knew. I kept thinking that if he only knew how much I loved him he would know that I wouldn't get pregnant on purpose. Sometimes birth control really doesn't work. If he only knew that my ovaries have so many cysts, getting pregnant at all was a feat. That I would never intentionally ruin his life. Nor did I really think his life was ruined, after all I wasn't asking him for a single thing. Yet there I was. About to become a single mom for the second time. And I didn't want that. Not for me or my daughter. I don't want her thinking that its ok to get pregnant as a single mom. Twice. I went for my sonogram. Uterus is enlarged, could be nothing, could be bad. Ultimately I focus on the "could be bad" & decide its in my & my daughter's best interest to terminate.

This is where the real story of lost love begins. I felt it in my heart that I was making the wrong decision. Yet it was the only logical one. How can a mother choose one child over another in the name of being a good mom?! I regret my choice because yes money would be tight, I would be alone, my bear would be jealous. But I would undoubtedly love my baby's big brown eyes wholeheartedly no matter what. I already did. I want my baby back, but I can't undo things. I lost pure love through my own fault. I didn't just lose it. I killed it. Worst part is that sometimes when I'm crying, I just want her father's hugs.

-anonymous

Thursday, March 17, 2011

i like you

Gemma Correll

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

there is no easy way

I never thought I would be the one going for the easy way out.
Or maybe there is no easy way.
Or maybe the right way and the easiest way sometimes are the same.

I watched Notebook yesterday. Five times. Over and over and over again. I watched it all night, trying to figure my own life out. I felt like every word Noah said to young Allie (who was engaged to someone else) was directly spoken to me. So I focused on this ring of mine that I'm wearing and started to think. I tried to picture my life 30 years from now, 40 years from now. What's it look like?

It's the same story. Teenage girl meets teenage boy, for the first time they fall deeply, insanely and endlessly in love, they teach each other everything about love, they spend their summers beneath the trees, growing together in love. And then, after one year of happiness and joy this beautiful love story ends, because that's what happens with puppy love. Because something went wrong. Because they hurt each other. Because there were terrible actions and even more terrible words. Teenage girl and teenage boy are wounded, they're hurting. And they try to move on. Many letters are written, but never actually sent. Four years apart and not one word is said. Sometimes, they use to see each other in their new lives, but they don't even smile at each other. They are just like strangers passing by. Their eyes meet for a second or two, and there is so many hidden feelings and secrets in those moments that their hearts starts to beat faster, and then these moments are gone.

Five years later, teenage girl is a woman, teenage boy a man and their story is nowadays just bittersweet memories. They have never really forgotten each other, but they're too proud to tell. Then, she meets this other man, this perfect man, who loves her with all her heart. That man is her "Lon", he is just perfect in every way and he can give her a secure, loving and worshipful marriage, and she maybe won't die completely happy but she will die with a confidently smile on her face. He purpose, and she say yes. Engaged and happy, but something is missing. And that's when "Noah" comes back to her life. Or actually, she comes back to his. She just has this strong feeling that she has to meet him, she don't know what to tell him but she know she has to see him, she has to speak to him. So she finds him. She is so sure that he has moved on and forgot her, but by finding him she realize that he still loves her. As she loves him. As she always did. As she always will. They spend some days talking for hours, telling memories, crying, catching up, falling in love (deeply, insanely and endlessly) all over again. It feels like the years in between didn't even exist. Like they're just coming back to each other's arms again after a short break. Everything is exactly like before, like five years ago. His voice. His eyes. Nothing has changed.

And then, after some days living in the past, she returns to her future. To her fiancé.

And that's the whole story.
It's like Notebook, except it isn't. If this was a novel written by Nicholas Sparks, we all know where I would end up. But this isn't a movie. It isn't that predictable. Or easy. It's my life. And the people around me are not actors playing out their roles. They are real people, you know. My fiancé, my ex.

I love them both. I really do. Just like Allie loved them both.
I love them differently, though. But deep in my heart I know which one has the power over my love. I know which one is the one who can make me feel like the teenage girl going crazy.

"The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying;
and the only thing more impossible than staying is leaving."

I am Allie, except I'm not. I maybe didn't choose the right one. I didn't follow my heart. I go for the easy way, except there is no easy way. The only thing more impossible than staying, is leaving. I don't have the courage to destroy anything. To destroy it all. To figure it out. I just can't. So here's the deal. If you want something, go for it. Life really is too short to wait. Me? I waited too long, and now it's too late.

Monday, March 14, 2011

unknown

torri edwards pictures and photos

torri edwards

torri edwards picture

torri edwards photos

torri edwards

torri edwards pictures and photos

Sunday, March 13, 2011

maybe everything that happens to us has a purpose.

Fa.bian

when i met M, i got this feeling of inevitability. something was going to happen, i could feel it. this is, by the way, an incredibly optimistic outlook for someone like me. i'd been alone for so long i was sure that romance just wasn't on the cards for me.

my life at the time was really hectic. i was doing my finals at college, holding down a part time job as a writer at an advertising agency, playing in a band, and hosting a radio show on the weekends. i was single and fiercely independent. when M joined the agency as a designer, we didn't talk much, and one of my friends took a shine to him, so i just got on with my life and let them get on with theirs. a new boss joined the agency too, and began talking to me a lot. he was married and had a child, and i thought he was just being friendly. then he started texting me during non-working hours, and i became nervous. he bought me a brand new phone, and started telling me how much i reminded him of his ex - his last serious relationship before he married his wife. apparently we even share the same birthday. i played dumb to his thinly veiled advances, and wished that it wasn't just 40 year old married men that were attracted to me.

unable to shake him off (he was my boss, after all), i felt guilty and stressed out the whole time. i drank too much as a result at the office christmas party, and at one point i stupidly dropped the drink i was holding. luckily the glass didn't break, and M swooped in, picked it up and took it away. stunned, i thanked him, and we started talking. the whole night turned right around. we had so much in common, and the connection between us was vibrant. the next day we went on our first date.

suddenly college was over and i had left my band (too much drama!), so the only things happening in my life were my jobs and M. we saw each other every day because we worked together, and my (our) boss started to notice. he grew jealous and agitated, and yelled at us frequently in front of others, but i didn't care. i was so happy with M that i didn't mind if my boss dropped a grand piano on my head.

in the end, though, it was M that dropped the grand piano. he had been acting strangely after only a month of being together, and we spoke about it one evening. for the first time he opened up about his ex and how badly it had ended with her. he told me that when he met me he thought he was over her, but lately she had been creeping back into his thoughts. i didn't want to overreact, even though i thought my head was going to explode. i told him to give it some time, and that we should slow everything down. we would hang out with friends instead of being alone together. a month later, things were worse. they had actually been discussing getting back together. it was no longer just thoughts of her - he was clearly still in love with her. i bailed immediately. it was painful, and i felt like i was wasting away. seeing him at work was difficult, and the smell of him in particular drove me crazy. it took me back to lying in his arms, with his soft voice so close to my ear.

the ache of being apart was excruciating, but i knew the situation no longer really involved me. this was between M and his ex, and if they were meant to be together i didn't want to get in the way of that. i was just a gap-filler for the holidays.

we're still friends, and we still swap music, books and tv shows, but i can't go out with our friends - or anyone for that matter - at the moment because it still stings. i had never met anyone like him before, and the levels we connected on were numerous. it was hard for me to accept that he threw it away for an old relationship that he'd always described as a 'disaster'.

i'm still not sure what to make of it all. do i just go about my day like nothing ever happened? probably. it makes the whole thing seem rather pointless, though it definitely helped me get out of that awkward situation with my boss. maybe everything that happens to us has a purpose. or maybe nothing does. maybe it's all just a succession of random events. all i know is, three months ago, something inside me was shaken awake for the first time, and now it's going back to sleep.