unconditional love

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because in love you deserve to be a priority

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I've done a lot of thinking lately. The thinking that only occurs when you're pressed between bedsheets and the clock is staring back at you in bright red 3am's and your mind is playing a constant loop of memories you'd rather forget.

Let's face it: My love life is pretty much a giant shit show. I've had my heart ripped out of my chest one too many times at the young age of 19. It's a mix of youthful idealism and hope and a desperate desire to believe in someone against all odds. It's the lure of breathing in a familiar smell while tucked in the arms of someone you've silently loved for years, even though better judgment says he'll hurt you again.

I know that life is not a romantic comedy, but I guess I've still kind of fallen into the idea that maybe sometimes things are meant to be. I've learned a few things though. I constantly see couples breaking up, talking shit and then getting back together - an ebb and flow that they come to accept as normal. I guess on a grand scale I'm guilty of this, but recent events have taught me a very important lesson: the person who is really great for you, the person who brings out the best in you, your partner in crime? That person is not going to second guess your relationship until it's lost all meaning. That person is not going to rip your heart out of your chest even one time, and he certainly won't do it twice. And that person shouldn't make you an option, because in love you deserve to be a priority.

I might still fall silent when I stumble across old pictures. I might stay up until early morning hours to avoid thinking myself to death while trying to fall asleep. And, yeah, I might still ache to hear a confession of remorse.

But I'm not going to waste my time on someone who isn't great for me. Settling for familiarity is bullshit. As hard as it is, I'm going to move on. One day, I'll find someone capable of keeping my heart safe when I hand over the key and say, "Hey, don't fuck this up."

Always,
Jessie

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black heart

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Have you ever stopped and wondered if love at first sight was real or just a made up line from a story book? I never gave this much thought until my eyes made a connection with Jay's eyes. Such a a desire to be and know every little detail about him. So many questions as my imagination began to explode with thoughts about him.

From the moment we spoke, we knew we shared the same desire. Our teenage love grew like a wild fire. I spent those months knowing the true beauty of love and words did little justice to explain how much I cared for Jay. We spent every free moment of our time together. The energy of life seemed to be much more wonderful with him. We related on so many levels. I felt as if I had found the piece to my puzzle.

As I can describe this perfect time, it seemed faith had different plans for us. Being a young couple Jay managed to allow rumors and opinions ruin our relationship. It wasn't long before I received that one call that would change this amazing fairytale of mine. He called me to break things off with me. I was devastated and confused. I went into a black whole of depression. Suffered from all the break up emotions.

Months went by till I finally awoke up form this depression of mine. I found myself again, and I also found him in my mind again. I always would convince myself that time healed all. But time didn't erase the scar left on my heart or the desire to want to be close to him again. See in all this time I was still confused on the course our love had taken but accepted it for what it was.

Almost 2 years later we ran into each other. He was staring but managed to just walk away before I could get put myself together. As my heart was still open for him. Jay's heart seemed to be full of pride. Nothing good came of this day but seeing his face once again. So as I pushed him into the back of my thoughts I continued to move forward, so I thought.

Just went I thought little of Jay I ran into him at a party 3 years later. He finally seem like he'd let his pride down enough to talk. We spent the whole night talking and confessing how much we care for one another and how we still think of each other daily. Jay had also mention he'd never loved anyone the way he did me. The warmth I felt from hearing those words. He hugged me kissed me and it seem like we had traveled back in time. We couldn't stop smiling at one another. Everything felt perfect at the moment.

I drove Jay home early that next morning he dismissed himself with kisses. I thought just maybe we both had matured and were ready to pick up the pieces. I was very excited for a new begging even if it was just friendship. I went home took a nap.

When I awoke a few hours later I felt like as if the night was just a dream. I had a new text message from Jay. I read it with excitement. Only to find that he wrote,

Jay 10:00 am
Wow, this was a big mistake. This never happened, never again.

BLACK HEART

kissing in every city

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