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timeline

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6 months ago I didn’t know you.

I had a boyfriend who loved me and I was happy, even though things were rocky and I wasn’t sure if he was going to leave me. He kept hinting that he was scared we wouldn’t make it through college and I knew. I knew it was coming but everything in my world was so messed up that I needed to get away, so I took a long shot and went on that trip to New Jersey almost on a whim.

5 months ago I got confused.

I’d never been attracted to someone else in the way I was attracted to you while I was in a relationship. It was always a passing hot body, something to stare at and let pass. You were different. I wanted to know everything about you, I wanted to hold your hand and have it mean more than it meant when I did. I couldn’t deal with the guilt, I felt like the worst girlfriend in the world. My boyfriend was my one and only, I had loved him for five years. But we’d talked about it, you and I and you and him. And as you said, we were good people and we weren’t going to do anything except be friends.

4 months ago it got complicated.

I couldn’t not like you. It would fade, and then I would still miss you and I would text you all the time and call you on the phone as much as I could. And then I would see you again and it would all come seeping back in the hugs and the cuddlepuddles and the holding hands like we always do.

3 months ago I hit bottom.

He broke up with me, and you were the only one I wanted to talk to. And you stayed on the phone listening to me sob hysterically, dealing with the insanity of losing him, for hours. For as long as I needed. And I only found out so much later that you had wanted to tell me that night that you felt the same way that I did, the same way that you thought I didn’t. You thought I didn’t like you anymore because I had told you I had no feelings left for you. Because I lied to you. But you held back because of how horrible it would be to do to me that night when you had left here after your visit and he had left me.

2 months ago it started.

I went to see you on spring break and I had to ask you. I sat on the swing with you and I wanted to kiss you. I wanted to know what your cheek felt like. If it felt as warm as it looked in the sunlight, just like your golden hair and your warm brown eyes. And I had a question to ask you. And we lay on the grass and stared up at the sky and you told me. And I wasn’t panicked. I just had a lot of thinking to do. And I did as I sat in that dorm room away from you for that hour or so. And then we talked again. And then you kissed me. And then I asked you to be mine, without even thinking about the consequences or how it would work. We were too happy.

1 month ago it changed.

Somehow we went from our place of I-like-being-with-you-and-I-like-that-you-like-me-and-I-like-that-you-like-that-I-like-you, to I-want-you-I-need-you-I-love-you.

Now it’s all so different.

You’re my only. You’re my one. We’ve been perfectly in sync our whole relationship and even though it’s only been two and a half months it’s real. It’s real in that true love, give you anything, know we’re going to make it way. And every time you whisper, “mine,” in my ear and I respond with a whispered, “yours,” to you, I know. You are mine. All of you is mine. And I am yours, all of me, for every moment of forever. I gave you everything of me and you gave me everything of yours. For forever and ever.

love/hate/can't give up

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i'm ready

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It’s only been a day since I met you but I miss you already and I still cant stop thinking about our first date. It was awkward and clumsy and we didn’t have much to say. But I felt something. For a long time there hasn’t been a lurch in my stomach - and now its there again.

I stared into your eyes and I literally got lost in your gaze while we were talking. For a while there it seemed like all you did was to move your mouth without breathing a word. Nothing you said was going into my head because i was so enamored with how cute you are. Your face. Your face.

I don’t know where this is going. I haven’t the slightest clue about the real you but I like you with such vibrato with such intensity that its scaring me. Maybe all the unused feelings I had for the past year of being alone has been poured into you simply because there isn’t any other outlet. But that’s just me being logical. Being logical about feelings that are so illogical I laugh at myself because I find the entire concept of falling head over heels utter nonsense. It’s ridiculous.

Maybe its just lust but I think about your touch all the time. I think about holding you to sleep - about licking your tongue and tasting your lips.

You keep smiling. You smile and for the duration prior, during and after its like the world's a better place just because your lips curved. I don’t know why but somehow you're the answer to stagnation in my life right now. Nothing is going on. I’m just going through the motions and in a way you've given me reason to look forward to tomorrow again.

It scares me that I like you so much even though I barely know you. I desperately want to be a larger part of your life and I’d rather die than have nothing to talk about when we meet. Please be my shot at happiness. I’m ready this time.

-eli

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you be the sun, i'll be the moon

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putting this puzzle together

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I’ve always been able to control everything, except for my heart, especially around you. When you walk into a room, there is no controlling that light-headed feeling along with a serious bout of butterflies. No matter how many times my head has tried to talk myself out of you, it seems to me, that love conquers all sorts of rationality.

The womanizer, the guy I swore I’d never fall for, that is you. I didn’t want to be just another girl in your stable chock-full of women. But we have a deep friendship that runs past our sexual attraction to one another. That other night on the beach, I felt like you and I were best friends, yet the sexual tension could have been cut with a knife. I longed so much to just passionately kiss you, but I couldn’t for fear of the aftermath. Your persistence on the speed of the relationship last time messed up a lot of things. You proved not to be ready for any sort of serious commitment, and now you may be, but I’m far too afraid to ask. I want you and your heart so terribly bad, but my fear of rejection is crippling me.

We’ve had our ups and down. I’ve convinced myself I hated you, I’ve convinced myself you didn’t care about me. I’ve told all my friends that you are a big idiot, a silly guy who I could do much better than, and they agree. But I always let you right back in. It is like you are the only person who I’ve ever given a key to my heart. You know my goals, my hopes, my fears, my struggles. I can try to hide them from you with my sharp words and short answers, but you are the only one who seems to be able to read the thoughts right behind my eyes. But with you, I never really know. Could your charm be deceiving me into thinking that you really care? That is what my head tells me, night after night. But when you remember my favorite book and my feelings and ask me about my family and tell me you believe in me, it is hard to think that you are just trying to sleep with me.

Our run-around has gone on for over a year, and I just want us to be together. I think you are finally getting in a state where you can handle a relationship, and I don’t want anyone else. I can’t say I will wait for you, but my heart knows I will. I’m so afraid you will fall for someone else, but then when you call me to tell me silly stories my fears melt away.

When I see you, the feelings are intensified even more. It is so hard for me to resist you, and I wonder if you feel the same way. And even if you do, I wonder if you are too afraid to do anything about it. A womanizer like you can’t possibly give his heart to just one girl, settle down, can he? I don’t know, but I would love to feel what a real relationship would be like with you. We both know it would work and be magical, but we are mutually afraid to fall.

You are my puzzle. I can control every other aspect of my life, but my feelings for you never seem to dwindle. I just wish we could start putting this puzzle together.