you lost me.

~nuozek

The last night i spent with you, i laid in your bed huddled next to you, desperate for warmth. Not from the room, or the temperature, but from the body laying next to me already fast asleep as if nothing in the world was troubling them. I, on the other hand, stared wide eyed into the foggy bedroom, watching the fan blades spin around and around in one motion over and over. Just like us. A repeat. I felt the silence, i felt the space between us - it felt like a house was wedged between us even though essentially all but two or three inches separated us. That was the last night i spent with you, next to you, a part of you.

The next morning something set you off. Something stupid, something that was never worth the fight and that's when the real you started seeping out. The anger, the refusal to communicate, the distance, everything I hated about you that turned the one i love into something so ugly. You told me it was over and I couldn't believe it. Wait, yes i could. Because secretly i had been trying to work up the nerve to leave you. Unfortunately you beat me to it, you had never been on to try to make it work and that's where you fooled me.

Rewind back to seven months ago when I received that message from you that brought all my hard work and progress crumbling to pieces. You had me pinned in this exact situation before. After three years of love you gave up on us, and now after a year of me gaining strength, of FINALLY getting over you...you want me back. I had consecutive dreams where you would return to me, and strong like a soldier i would turn you away in the coldest way possible, just like you had been to me. But in real life the story was incredibly different. I fell for that boy all over again. My mistake, as i would later learn. You lured me in with a new attitude, a new person, with words that convinced me you would try this time around and that you really cared. Jokes on me i suppose. It lasted for a few weeks, but your facade began to deteriorate ever so subtly until finally I was stuck in a loveless relationship. I would oogle at the couples out in public, the ones that couldn't get enough of each other, the ones that didn't care what other people though, the ones who were just mad about eachother and i'd compare it to our meaningless love. You wanted so much space, too much space. We were ten minutes apart yet i'd see you only a few days out of the week and hear form you once a day. You never did anything nice for me, never went out of your way to say you loved me, nothing. But yet i stood by you, i took this, and i thought maybe if i were different, you would love me.

You see, i was different. It was you that was never different. So you left me again, and i begged, but only because i don't give up. You do. You are weak, and you can look at the girl who stands before you with tears running freely asking for something out of you, anything at all, and laugh, but at least i know how to love and that is something you will never know. So here i go. I'm letting go completely this time. I'm growing without you. I'm stepping out of my comfort zone. It'll be harder than before but easier in the long run. I deserve better than you. I am better than you. And i will build myself up, i will fall in love with myself, so that next time you come around I'm strong enough to not make the same mistake twice.

You lost something amazing. You lost me.

-K

♥

weheartit

i can't

tumblr

i can't. i can't i can't i can't.
i can't do this anymore. its going to kill me. i just can't. i need to move on.
but.
i can't stop loving him. i can't and i need to because its the worst thing ever.
i can't because thinking of everything that happened literally makes me sick to my stomach.
i can't because he's the only one i ever think about.
he's the one i don't want to think about, but i cannot stop.
i can't because i never got to kiss him, i never felt his breath between my lips.
i can't because i spend my days fantasizing about him surprising me,
showing up on my doorstep, telling me he made a mistake.
i can't because i see her everyday.
i see her and i think of what they used to have and i agonize over whether he chose her.
i can't because i don't even know if he chose her.
i don't even know because he is so confusing and frustrating
and he makes everything so unclear.
i can't because he might still have feelings for me.
there is that sliver of a chance and while i know its probably not true,
it makes it impossible to let go.
i can't because i think about being in his arms every second.
the hairs of his beard brushing my cheek gently.
the feeling of his warmth beneath my fingers.
i can't because the way our fingers intertwined was perfect.
it felt warm and soft and right.
i can't because he understood me.
he just got me, right from the start.
and i don't find that often. not often at all.
i can't because we would be perfect together.
i know we would. and it's too hard for me to give up on that.
i can't because EVERYTHING makes me think of him.
crayons. tattoos. band tees. school buses. nose rings.
and every time i see them im completely overwhelmed.
i can't because i practically start crying in the middle of the gym when a song comes on that makes me think of him. which is a lot of songs.
i can't because i've tried and it doesn't work. i want to stop so much.
its just not going to happen.
i can't because i don't see other guys. i don't even see them as being guys.
its like they don't exist to me now.
i can;t because i imagined our insane, amazing, beautiful future and it's all i want.
i thought it was really going to happen and now the pain is eating me up.
i can't because i want him more than i've ever wanted anything in my life.

i can't breathe. i can't focus. i can't be without him. i can't go the rest of my life wondering what it would have been like.

i just can't.

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i fell upon a pill so intoxicating I couldn't resist.

bombagoda

"Just because a woman is lovesick doesn't mean she has to take the first pill that comes along"

I have been lovesick for years now, broken by seemingly infallible relationships and bruised by heartbreak. I wasn't looking for pills; in fact, I was avoiding them at all costs. The last thing I needed was a shiny new pill with side effects overriding the benefits that always seemed so dear to me. But I fell upon a pill so intoxicating I couldn't resist. This pill was fascinating, beautiful, the only pill in the world that seemed to be able to make me feel alive, beautiful, and full of hope. This pill was a dreamer, with no doubt about any hardships he couldn't overcome. This pill was an old soul, trapped in a young, beautiful body. This pill had spirit, and interests in things I have always just passed by as common occurrences in everyday life. I didn't want this pill, It was merely to pass the time by in my days of loneliness. This pill dragged me out of the darkness, and into a world of new beginnings, of hope when I thought happiness was impossible. And then this pill moved. Hours and hours away while I was locked down under the fact of my innocence, of my dependence, of my youth living in a household that had a grasp so tight on me I could hardly breathe. This pill moved to a city full of life, where it could thrive and learn at the art school of this pill's dreams. A city of promise and new experiences, while my broken heart was trapped in a suburban town known to promote set-in-stone beliefs and pretty houses and fancy cars. A town promoting one type of people, when all I wanted to do was be with my drug, the drug that listens to the music of the twenties, that has a soul of the fifties, and the unique insight I'm not sure an era has yet seen. This pill inspires me to be my own person, to think deeply about what is important to me, to question my ignorant ways of the past. And soon I will be living in the beautiful city with this pill, flourishing in this town embracing uniqueness, loving the diversity of it, and having hope for those who are too blind to see past the materialism I had been so caught up in. I will soon be able to have my fix, while following my own dreams I didn't quite know I had before my drug drew them out from deep within my soul. My pill is a boy. A boy that showed me I can love again, and not only I can love again, but I can love without limits. Because the miles between us don't matter as long as we both know that my sickness has subsided.

i have been left waiting for too long.

-emillie-

through some twist of fate we found each other. actually, you found me. you, l'étranger, settling in another city, another country. i was supposed to help, i guess that didn't pan out quite as expected...

so we met and we laughed and we shared wine and stories. and i came home with a smile and a promise we'd see each other again. soon. and we met again. and again. and we marveled at how much two lives could resemble one another with so much land between them.

let's be candid. you were good for my ego. but of course you were never supposed to be more than that. if anything were to happen between us it had an expiration date, because at the end of the year you're obviously going back home. so i was definitely not going to get entangled, not going to let myself fall in love with you. that was the plan.

and then you held me. and you kissed me. still i thought i could resist. but every time you kissed me, every time you touched me i cleared out a little more room for you in my life. and for the butterflies in my stomach.

so this was me, not caring if we publicly displayed our affection or who saw it, because it was just not that big of a deal. act, don't think, do not feel!

then the rain came. it reminded you of what you had lived before me. of what you had been through. and suddenly i stopped being your guide and became the person you didn't really know and couldn't bring yourself to trust. somehow i became l'étrangère, the stranger.

and now i'm stuck here. between giving you space to resolve your life and having given you space in my life. and i'm sorry to say, that while i had started to stray from the plan, despite having told you how patient i can be, i just don't know that i can wait for you to be ready. i can't not know if you'll be ready before we run out of time. i have been left waiting for too long.

so could you please, please hurry up?

-L.

love of my life.

weheartit

The person I am in a relationship with wanted to kill me this year. Yep. True story. Yeah, I would say it’s been a pretty bad year for us.

Obviously, she can kind of be a b*tch. The thing is, because she knows me so intimately, she also knows exactly how to hurt me. Usually by bringing up some sordid detail from my (admittedly) imperfect past. She knows, for example, that I had sex with my best friends boyfriend. Scorns me for drinking too much. Chastises me for losing my temper with my mother. Ridicules me for me for my lack of knowledge on politics and current affairs. She knows every physical flaw on my body and draws attention to this frequently. Particularly before I leave the house on Saturday night.

And, okay... I’m a pretty awkward person. No, I mean really. I do the most ridiculous things. I accidentally ended an email to my University tutor with “xx” (yet still didn’t do well in that subject). I fill silences with questions like “So...do you....have....many people....in...your....family?”. Yep. It probably sounds insignificant, but in these situations she will always laugh at me...not with me (see, I told you. Total b*tch).

I’m making it sound almost comical, but this year she’s destroyed my self-esteem. She’s like Meryl Streep in The Devil Wears Prada, only meaner. Because of her, it’s really difficult to let other people close to me. I don’t feel worthy. And in some ways her criticisms have become self-fulfilling prophecies. She has told me I’m un-lovable enough that I’m starting to act that way.

The thing is, I can’t break up with this person. I know with full certainty that I will be with this person ‘till the very end. Because this person is me.

Yet, I know I’m not as horrible as I sound. Because I’m on this website. I truly believe in love. And I know most of you reading this must as well. But it all starts within. Last year was painful, but it bought clarity. This year I’m going to really work on the most significant relationship of my life: the one with myself. And I’m starting right now, not on New Years Eve. I want to start 2010 properly.

I know it will require more than just a decision to love myself. Because, honestly, the past year has damaged me. I don’t completely like who I am right now. But self-hatred has done me no favours, it’s time to let go of the inner Meryl Streep: this year I will allow myself to make mistakes in the knowledge that I’m truly trying to grow into a person that I just don’t tolerate, but someone that I truly love. Because, as Oscar Wilde said “To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance”.

L. xx (those were intended)