I can't have a relationship right now

ohmyprettygirl

Relationships are delicate. Both people have to be on the same page. Both people have to be at the same point in their lives, wanting the same things. Cant have any doubts or reservations. Do something too early, and you can taint it. Jump in too quick, you can screw things up. Wait too long, it may be too late. There are so many other variables besides who the person is..you have to consider who they are now, who they will be in the future, if you have the potential as a couple to grow together..are you on the same page and will you continue to be?

I looked at old pictures of me and my ex last night. They seem to have been taken ages ago. We have both changed so much since then, we were so young..we have grown so much since then..I don’t even know who he is anymore, and he has no idea who I am. We were compatible as kids just coming out of highschool who were able to share in the journey of the transition to college together..we shared in the joys of college life, but once we started to grow beyond that..well, who knows. That’s when we drifted apart..last semester changed my life; it made me open my eyes to the world, to my life, to my future, to who I am as a person. I am sure he changed too; he has chosen this mindset for himself and I have chosen this one for myself, and here we are at two separate paths, not connected whatsoever. We are past the transition from highschool to college, to the world of college life, what else do we have in common anymore? do we share the same view of the world? Do we view the same idea of how life should be lived?

Dating someone new: he would hold me back..I think we both know it, and that is why this wont work. He will stay here, working, and I keep talking about my big dreams…we will both end up hurt..I will want him to come with me, and he wont be able to, wont want to..he would want me to stay in Pittsburgh, or even assume I would be moving back to Pittsburgh after New York, which maybe isn't the case. I don’t want an anchor right now, I don’t want to be tied down here..I need to go where the wind chooses to blow: make connections with people where I go, make new friends, settle when I feel most comfortable or return to my home in Pittsburgh if nowhere else seems like home enough for me. Only then will I settle, when I find out where I want to be or I become tired and weary and sick of looking because I have experienced enough and lived it well, had fun, had adventures, and am finally ready to settle down to a place of comfort..whether it be somewhere else or meaning a final return to Pittsburgh. I cant promise him anything. I cant promise anyone anything right now. I am scared to jump into a situation that will tie me down. That’s why I was so scared with my ex…I knew he would tie me down to this place, he was preventing me from spreading my wings. He was weighing me down and I felt the only way to remedy this situation was to carry that weight with me..I expected him to come with me on my adventures, but sometimes some weights are just too heavy to carry I suppose. I will have to leave it behind, I will have to leave him and the idea of him behind. And I cant expect to meet anyone within the next year that could possibly understand this..that could possibly comprehend that I am a rolling stone and I intend to be a rolling stone and I like it that way, I want my life that way. My ex was also preventing me from living my situation now, he was preventing me from living out this time in my life fully, with no reserves..I have lived and had so many experiences at THIS pont in my life, within the last two years, my college years, that I wouldn’t have been able to have had I stayed with him..I wouldn’t have wanted to be tied down, I didn’t want it then and I realize now it was a wise decision for me..I cant have a relationship right now, I am nowhere near ready to settle, to get married, I wont be until I know the PLACE I am happy at, and only then will I be able to plant roots. I cant do it now.

It’s a shame, I am a walking contradiction…I want to be loved, I want someone to love and appreciate me, but how can you love a creature as fleeting as I am..I move, my character changes, I view the world differently each day..I want love, a relationship, comfort and yet I want to carry that comfort with me from place to place everywhere I go and it is not possible and I need to realize that, you can only choose one situation at a time. If I choose to settle with comfort of love before I am ready to, I will undoubtedly end up miserable later in my life, yearning for something more. If I choose to explore before I settle, I will feel accomplished and satisfied that I lived my life to the fullest and now it is time to make a family of my own, to raise other people, children to grow up and enjoy their lives as well. But only when I am finally ready to.

-S.C.

you are...

ffffound

carried away

ohcardigan

I have always classified myself as a hopeless romantic. I'm a dreamer who has the tendency to stumble straight into her dreams and then fall out of them right onto her face. Falling in love has never been my problem. I don't mean to sound shallow, but guys have always been interested in me, and I them; and I have had too many boyfriends in my short lifespan. My problem is simply that I get carried away far too easily.

It's not that I don't have standards, because I do. I know what I want from a relationship and if a guy can't give me that, then I don't bother. However, I keep finding guys who meet my standards and whose standards I meet as well, but it never feels right. Something always happens and they get attached to the point where things progress too soon and I end up falling out of what I thought was the right relationship. In the end, I'm back where I started... single and looking for that dream again.

Well, this time, I may have actually found it. He is from England and I am from the United States and we have never met. We talk on skype till the early hours of the morning his time and then he wakes up and calls be right before I dash off to bed in the early hours of my time. I don't know how we found each other. We talk all the time about meeting when I travel to England this New Years Eve, and have even made plans to spend it together.

He makes me smile, especially when he teases me about how I can't speak proper English. We never have a problem finding things to talk about, and even the occasional moment when we have had trouble thinking of what to say, we both sit on the line and just listen to each other going about our lives without the other. It's rather surreal actually; like a fairly tale. Every time he calls me, my heart skips a beat and the butterflies in my stomach flap crazily. My favorite part is when we stop talking each night, he leaves little x's at the bottom of the IM.

The only problem is, that I know that I shouldn't get carried away. I'm sure he has a life and other girls that he speaks to in the same carefree way that he talks to me, though I'd like to be selfish and say that I am the only one. I can't help it though. He is literally everything that I have wished for in a guy. We talk about profound things that matter only to the hearts of people who have felt them; I feel that he is a kindred soul.

What would I do if he did have someone else in mind? I suppose that I would go on living my life in a dream. As of right now, I don't want anyone else. I only see him, hear him and think of him. Oh dear... I've gotten carried away... again.

-K

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iwasmadeforyou

everytime i miss tino...

Andreandroid

After a horrifying break up, i sent myself into isolation. Away from friends, away from family, away from anyone or anything that breathes.

One day, i decided to buy myself a holiday. A long long holiday of 2 weeks. and i chose Bali, Indonesia as my destination.

While packing my bags, i checked if i had everything i needed....

Passport? Check
cash? Check
Surfboard? Check

Hmm, looks like thats all i'll need when i'm away.

my brothers sent me off to the airport that day. God knows i love them to bits as they have been the ones taking care of me since mum and dad moved to japan when dad got transfered.

The flight took 7 hours, but i didn't care. I needed time alone. Actually, i wanted time alone.

I reached bali with a somewhat happy heart. No one i knew was there, no one to bother me..life was good..for that few minutes.

Then i heard my name being called. I turned around to look, and oh my goodness, my heart stopped beating. It was tino! My childhood neighbour!

He came over, we talked and found out that we were staying at the same hotel. Since i had airport transfer all booked, i told him to jump in with me. He saw my surfboard, i saw his surfboard and yelled 'yay!!!!!'

Tino and i have been friends since we were 4. I've lived in so many countries over the past 27 years of my life, that i've got friends everywhere. But tino was special. even when i was a kid, i'd tell my parents that i'm gonna marry tino when i grow up. He told his parents the same. So imagine how my heart skipped so many beats when i saw him! if i remember correctly, i last met him at the airport, was when we were moving away. we were 10 back then. I cried and hugged him so tightly and told him i was going to miss him, but not to worry, i'll come back to visit. He cried and said its like he's losing his best friend. Deep inside me, i felt the same.

As we reached the hotel, we found out that we were in rooms right next to each other. I asked if he was rooming with someone..he said 'nah. I'm here alone bubba'.. I said 'hehe, same here'

We went to our rooms to unpack and my room phone rings.. 'bubba..lets go surfing!'... It was tino. I replied 'ok. Come over in 10'.. I put on my bikini top, shorts, and my wetsuit on top.

10 on the dot my doorbell rings and there stood tino with his board shorts and surf board. I laughed and said ' you're freaking pasty tintin'..he told me to shut up and get moving and gave me a hug when i was near enough.

We surfed, laughed and then got hungry so we walked on to the hotel cafe to have a bite. The owner of the cafe walks in and asks if we were a couple. I kept quiet and smiled. Tino said 'yes. We've been together since we were 4!'. I looked up at the cafe owner and swore his eyes were going to pop out of their sockets. He said 'since the both of you were 4??'... We answered 'yes!!!' together.

Time spent with tino was fun, emotional and somewhat familiar. It was like going back to my childhood where nothing mattered, no worries, and the main goal of the day, was to have fun.

One night, over dinner, tino asked me, 'bubba, why didn't you come back?'... I replied ' i did. But you weren't there. You were with amii.'

tino looked at me and said ' you knew?'

Of course i knew, jules, arly, raizz and tay-o were keeping me informed..too well informed..they wrote to me every week. No matter where i was. But tino didn't. I didn't receive one, not one letter from him since we moved.

I told him 'we share the same friends tintin. They wrote to me. But not you.'

He sat there. Tears started forming in his eyes. He looked at me, and a tear fell.

'i didn't know what to write bubba... I didn't know how to start... everytime i tried, i failed. Everytime i tried, i ended up crying. I felt so alone when you were gone.. I sat on your porch every evening hoping that i would hear you, or see you run up the driveway...but that didn't happen.. I felt so lost.. It was like a part of me died..my best friend was in another country.. I died the day you left bubba..i died.'

I answered with a simple

'we're here together now aren't we? In a different country..at the same time..'

It's like we were still connected even though we were so far apart. i didn't know how else to explain how we both managed to book flights for 2 weeks to the same destination, same hotel, and how the of us just decided to bring along our surfboards.

After that night, he said he didn't want to be apart anymore. He proposed. I accepted. We called up our families to tell them and my dad's reaction, was priceless.

'bubba? How in the world did tino propose to you? You're all the way in bali aren't you?

I replied 'emm.. Dad, he's right here with me. I saw him after i got off the plane.'

My brothers were estatic. They couldn't believe that what i told them when i was 4, was actually happening.

Even though we were engaged, we had to go back to our countries to get stuff done before we could be together for life.

After 3 months of him flying to be with me, and me flying to be with him, i found out i was pregnant. We were excited! Not only were we going to be together forever, but now, we would have a family! And after a few months of doctor's visits, we found out we were having a boy... We planned to have our ceremony right after our son was born to make it an more joyous occasion.

Tino was already planning what he was going to teach our son..they would go fishing, hiking, do 'manly' stuff..then out of the blue, tino said 'i bought us a house. It isnt grand or anything but it has a garden up front, and at the back, we have the beach'.. I was stunned and the house he purchased sounded so familiar. He bought the house where i once lived.

I was in my 36th week of pregnancy and so far, it had been an easy one. No morning sickness..no aches or pains..nothing.. We had an argument that night, and tino headed off somewhere.

He headed off to be with some so called friends that we both knew were nothing but trouble. I couldn't sleep that night. I had a nang feeling that tino was in trouble.

8 minutes after midnight, i get a call from ananda saying that tino was in an accident. He rammed into a tree. The car was a total loss.

He was drunk driving.

I rushed to the hospital but when i got there, it was already too late. My tintin....was gone.

I was sad, heartbroken but mostly mad at him for doing something so stupid.

Then i had pains. I was in labour.

The day my tintin died, our riley came into the world. a happy bouncing baby boy. Perfect in every way possible.

now, when riley asks me 'mum, where's my dad?'

My eyes fill with tears and tell him.. 'dad's watching over you. In fact, i think he's right next to you. If you close your eyes and listen, he might be telling you stuff my dear boy'

Riley closed his eyes, and listened.

he then walked up to me, smiled, gave me a hug and said ' dad says he loves you and that he's so sorry for being stupid. He says he'll never leave you and that he'll always be with us. Always always.'

When riley said always always, i knew tino was talking to him. Only tino and i ever say always always because saying it twice, means forever.

Now, everytime i miss tino, i just have to look at our son.

Riley Sky Marriott-Beth.